Writings

The Pain Inside (Written October 20, 2013)

“Come on, just talk to her,” I thought to myself.

I was in the middle of music arcs on July 31. We have played for hours at end as try to improve upon our musical abilities for our show, and while it is much work and the heat can be unbearable, it was still fun. I was making friends, within my section, the ensemble, and even the upper classman like juniors or seniors. You may think this is still not worth eight and a half hours of long work, but to me, it was just what I needed.

“Only half and hour until I have to leave,” I proclaimed as I checked my phone. It was 2:30. I had to leave at 3 PM for the Pirate game versus the Cardinals.

“You only have that time to talk to her, you talk to everyone else in your section, but why not her,” I asked myself. We have now just reached break time.

“So Alex, are you doing alright?”

“I’m still alright, how about you?” asked Alex. He is my good friend within my section. He is a freshman just like me.

I thought about it in my head a little bit. I wasn’t sure. The pain of not talking to her, just attempting to be better friends with her was eating me alive.

“I’m doing fine,” I said nervously. I looked over, and I saw as she was being messed with again by some of the upper classmen in my section. It honestly bothered me, I wanted to go over and talk to her.

“Come on guys, quit the bullying,” I shouted jokingly. I received no response.

“This is the perfect opportunity to talk to her, see if she’s alright,” I thought, “I need to see if she’s alright, I wonder if she bothered by this at all.”

I attempted, but I then felt a shooting pain in my stomach.

“Stop!” she shouted as the upper classman were again bothering her.

“She obviously doesn’t like it, you need to go up to her, stop being so shy she’s a normal human being,” I thought, “If you don’t do it now, you will never be close with her.”

I approached her, and just as I was about to speak, I hear a yell.

“Alright guys, group up again!” shouted Mr. Daniels, our band director. I checked my phone again. It was 3:00. I went up to Mr. Daniels and told him I got to go. As I was packing up to go, all I feel is the pain inside.

“I wish I wasn’t so unconfident talking to girls,” I thought to myself on my way to Pittsburgh, “if only I had more time."

Metamorphosis (Written February 3, 2014) 

Sometimes I stop and think of the person I am now and compare it to the person I was then. It still boggles my mind how I managed to change a whole year of mistakes and follies in just a few months, and not even. Just back in October, I was still that guy who didn’t do his work; his grades were lower than he should be getting, and the one with a bad reputation in the classroom. I did explain from the “Pain Inside” back story of how the piece has changed me, however the events occurring later October then for the next couple months are those that changed my life forever. I don’t see the world as I used to. I see it more clearly. I understand those in love, pain, and depression. And more importantly, I learned how to feel. Even during the beginning of my metamorphosis, I was not one to feel. Quite frankly, I wasn’t even that person last month! However, going back to nostalgia on some old YouTube videos, particularly Yogscast Rythian’s tekkit series. Also some Amnesia: A Late Night Drink, two video game series in which I actually felt for the people for the first time in my life. These may have been video games, but it translated into real life as well. I have learned more about other people’s struggles, and even if I have never felt them, I felt for them. I cried for them. I cared for them. These were the most emotional parts of my metamorphosis. I was learning something very new to me, and it felt right. Although none of my friends really care like this either, much like how I was, I felt it was right for my character to care for other people I don’t know and can’t relate to. And it was. Because of this, I know now that people less fortunate than I am need to be cared for and loved for, despite all the prejudice against them. Even if I have to get some of that myself helping that person, it would be totally worth everything to help that person out of his or her depression and loneliness. It is just wrong of how we live in a world where if anyone is quote unquote “different,” you will get bullied of it. Genetically, we are all human beings. In fact, every organism on earth is the same genetically, it is just the way how our genes express themselves is what makes us “different.” From these, people develop distinct personalities that make them unique from the rest of the world. So those bullies who bully on the “less than average” kid, they need to stop and think that they are different as well in their own special way. Even if it is to bully, fair enough, but perhaps one day they’ll realize the error in their ways. Now the reason I went towards this direction was because the other night, late night of Monday the 3^rd of February, I watched Zoey Proasheck from the Yogscast deliver a message saying how awesome they were. She was bullied and discriminated at school for being “different” and even bullied by adults in the real world. Her story made me cry the most in my life. I have never developed so much care for another human being ever in my life after watching that video. And even after that, she had made me smile. That video did bring a change into my life. That is how I understand the depressed now, and how I would love to help them. I may only be 15, but if I can bring a smile to that Zoey character, even after all she has been through; I have enough power to change the world even through this piece of writing. It may take more time for this to go out into the world, but it will impact the people of the world someday. And that is the most compelling part of my metamorphosis. All this new understanding I went through happened in just ONE night. One night! It was just a mere 14 hours ago from when I am writing this, approximately 3:15 PM EST on Monday, February 3, 2014. So through the first few months of a new beginning for me, I have motivated myself that I can change myself in a matter of time, no matter what the situation may be. I just never thought I can learn to care so much in just a half hour long video. So if you would love to check the video out, I’ll leave it down in the description of this video. Enough about that. I may have learned motivation and care, but one thing I still need to understand more: love. I have wrote numerous times of the events of the weekend of October 25 to the 27^th of 2013, in which the most life changing moment happened when figured out that I cared and loved this girl. Never has that happened in my life, which is why I consider 2013 to be the most dynamic year of my life. I have changed so much from the time it has started back in January, up until now about 13 months later. Freshman year of high school will always hold memories in my heart, for I have learned so much about love. My first “accompanist” to a dance, which I still admit to being awkward about, then just two weeks later my first crush. Since then, I did learn more about love than I first started off as back in October. I consider myself then “stuck in a fairy tale.” Since then I have learned what love is, and how different people interpret it. Once again I’ll bring up Zoey, who has helped me in this new viewpoint in life. If you don’t know, she is a lesbian. I was surprised figuring this out last weekend, the last one of January, since I have watched her for a year now. But I don’t care, because I know even as a lesbian, she truly loves her girlfriend and her girlfriend supports her, even as the same gender. That is what I don’t get about the opposition to this. I support dating of the same-sex all the way, because they feel true love for each other. In fact, I believe they love each other even more than a bisexual couple. Now don’t take it the wrong way, I’m straight obviously since I went on talking about my love interest. And this was once of what I learned from the video. That video, man it changed me. I thought I cared before but now I know I legitimately care even more than I thought I ever could. I wasn’t one for crying, but I couldn’t help it this time. And I believe she has accomplished her goal in making people smile; I sure did. With that, I have delivered all my new viewpoints learned late into my main metamorphosis and my current one now in feelings, in love, and in care. And I hope that one day, the world will be better with my writing.

Love (Written February 6, 2014)

Alright, so it’s February. The month of love, and with Valentine’s Day upcoming (keep in mind I’m writing this on February 6), more couples will get together for this special day. Now the thing is, love isn’t about the smoochy stuff, the chocolates, roses or anything like that. That is how we perceive love as usual, which causes problems in early dating since they don’t feel that true emotion of love yet. That is why I believe most early relationships don’t last very long, it’d be lucky to survive past high school. That is one of the few main reasons why I put off love for so long. But since the start of my freshman year of high school, I have encountered more love than I have ever done in the past. I was not the “stud” type for anything like that, I wasn’t looking for love. I waited until high school to consider, but I wasn’t planning for freshman year. The thing is, that is what exactly happened. Without even knowing, I had a “date” to the dance. When I say “date” I mean bringing a friend who is of feminine gender (and yes the mature use of vocabulary is intentional, that is how I work). It was awkward, since I was not one to talk to girls so much. You may have noticed in my “The Pain Inside” writing, as I was shy over the summer to talk to that one certain girl. Now with that girl, this is where the crazy part gets in. The “life changing” moment at the Towson competition I have been talking about involved her, in which it was revealed to me that I actually did show feelings for her. And by feelings, I mean the lovely feelings. I have concluded a couple months later I was stuck in a fairy tale then, but today I am not so sure. The truth is, I still don’t completely understand the whole love thing myself. It has been 15 years before all this would happen, so it was a very new and shocking experience for me. But if there is one thing about love I do understand, is the overpowering emotion of love itself within others. I’m not talking about romance films or anything like that, but I have been recently learning of the effects of love on people’s lives. I read a book called “Tuesdays with Morrie” for English class over the autumn, and Morrie, one of the main characters, believed love always wins. Of course all of his love talk still didn’t make sense to me, but however over the months it has made a little more sense since then. If you can’t tell, I’m still very new to love, so as a result my writing may reflect that as I am constantly trying to think of stuff to say for love. But one very new thing about love I learned just this week, it can be in anyone. And by that I mean anyone can fall in love. And yes, this is a reference to homosexuality and bisexuality. Now I’m a supporter in both. You may know my recent explorations into the past life of a struggling lesbian that I kept talking about this week. There is a reason, because she helped me open my eyes more personally towards homosexuals, and I learned their strong bond of love to each other. In fact, I think that bond may be stronger than any bisexual couple. The problem is, they are denied their right to love the same gender, and it bothers me. The problem with our modern society today is that kids seem to “jump on the bandwagon” and follow everyone’s thoughts rather than thinking of their own and just being themselves. That includes almost every youth’s dislikes towards gays or lesbians. And yes I’m beginning an argument for support of homosexuality. When I was a youth, I disproved it as well, because of our society. Our society wants everyone to be “normal” and find that “right” girl or boy for their child. I am also aware in a religious sense, homosexuality is a sin. I am not religious myself; I prefer to think scientifically towards the world rather than following a religion. But I still believe in God though. What I don’t understand is why it is a sin? There is a reason I’m sure in the Bible, but does God really understand the true power in love? Everyone deserves to fall in love to the person they really want to, even if they are within the same sex. Does it make them happy? Yes. Is it wrong to deprive them from their love? Yes, in my opinion. Imagine a bisexual relationship being torn apart due to class. A rich, first class man wants to marry an impoverished woman, but denied due to difference in social classes. That is exactly how tearing up a homosexual relationship is like. They are all human beings, but we separate ourselves in class, gender, and race. You must marry a person in your class, the opposite gender, and must be white. If you limit a potential relationship to that dream date through these things, how can anyone be happy? So why deprive homos to right to love and marry each other? In most countries, we can choose our spouse, so it is only the right to make this happen. Argument finished, I hope I won’t but butt raped for invalid information. Just remember, I’m still new to this so writing about love like this will be a little shaky to start. In time, it’ll get better. Back to my own experiences. Most of you are aware of my various experiences through out the year that changed my perspectives and philosophies on life. It is truly amazing how much of a different person I was now compared to the beginning of October last year of 2013. Of course, you may want to know my own personal experience with love. With the whole Towson thing and all, it actually started with a dream. Quite a weird one, but that dream changed my life. I still remember after all these months. Weird part first, I dreamed that I was with a group of the band people, including her, on a boat to Towson. Now we’re riding a bus there, so the boat thing I am not sure how I thought of that. Then we were underwater and blah blah blah, just weird stuff like that. But here comes the life changing part. After the whole underwater ordeal, we were all suddenly at my main hall at my house, and we were playing spin the bottle I guess. Whoever the bottle landed on, you must kiss. Now we’re getting into smooch territory here. Now it was her turn up, and in case you were wondering it didn’t land on me. It landed on him, that guy next to her. That was a heart break moment right here, the vision faded away as they kissed and when I started to cry a bit. It was over. It was very brief, and just like that whenever I woke up an hour or two later, I just looked over them. Then I realized… this girl… I do have something with here. From there, I knew I have developed my first crush on a girl. It was very weird to me; just remember I wasn’t looking for love coming into the school year. The same “spark” doesn’t happen until I hang around her, which we have been mostly separated due to different concert bands we go to. I’m still not sure if I hold that same feeling now, but until I figure out what to do with my love, I learned more about love in another way. Of course with the whole homo thing with that video I watched in which I learned modern society’s problems with dealing with such a so called “crisis.” I did learn it more for bisexual couples as well, I have seen quite a lot of that this year, but I really don’t feel that love between them. If only we today would learn. I have learned. I have felt true love for that girl, and I wish only I had the guts. I would be the perfect boyfriend due to the fact I understand personal issues, I can give great advice, and you guys already know my well thought out philosophies on such deals like “love” in life. I wouldn’t use looks to attract, but through personality. I have been through quite a lot of personal experiences that transformed me into a completely different person than I was before, and I can help guide people towards that as well. Especially that someone I would soon be with one day. And with that, I hope anyone with a girlfriend or boyfriend can understand the meanings of love, and perhaps develop a stronger relationship that will perhaps last a life time. If this writing helped, I am truly fortunate enough to help you with any personal issues or even with any modern prejudice towards dating of the same sex. If you can’t tell, I’m a huge supporter of that. Perhaps more writings like these can change the world. It would be an honor, perhaps the greatest honor I would have, to change the world with my writings. And I hope you all have a lovely Valentine’s Day. Now kiss!

Discrimination (Bullying) (Written February 8, 2014)

I have had more recent thoughts on the way other humans treat other humans. Obviously, you all have seen what I have written in defense for homosexuality, which I support 100%. But there are more pressing issues in today’s modern society other than just that whole thing. It is a very big deal; believe me, but there are others. The one thing I can’t stand is how more than ever today those “different” kids are being bullied on. I just don’t understand. I wish one day to get into the actual thought process of a bully. Although I hate that they bully, there is always a reason why. That reason is usually due to the fact that the bully themselves are being discriminated by others. Whether it would be another bully, a parent, sibling, or even society itself, only the bully knows. I am always one to be fair, so I have written my defense on bullies, but the truth is that overcoming bullying yourself by bullying is just going to worsen the problem. Educational systems are trying to overcome that, and I am not to sure on how they proceed to do so. Truth is, I don’t believe in punishment. I just don’t believe it works, at least on me it doesn’t. The truth is rather than punishing someone and hopes they’ll learn their lesson, ride along with them on their journey. That is the only thing that will make them truly reform. For example, whenever I was still struggling in school the beginning of this year, what changed me was me. My mom and dad would punish me, hoping to get rid of the problem but I believed they shouldn’t be punished me and forcing me to do something right. The only way people truly learn their lesson is through aid along the way, not just punishments, or through their own motivation. The way I overcame my slump this year was my burning desire for change and motivation to do better, and on the day of November 5, 2013 I blossomed and have since changed and learning new lessons everyday. You may think I’m going off topic, but there is a point to this little anecdote. With those bullies out there, the problem isn’t going to stop through punishment; they just grow more depressed or troubled as a result. Will they learn there lesson? They could, but most likely no. For those kids being bullied, I don’t have a specific advice tip. I have been through a bit of bullying myself whenever I was is 5^th grade, and I call that the 2^nd worst school year of my life. What is the first? That would be 8^th grade, which was last year. Anyway, I was bullied for being too talkative and “annoying.” They just tore me down. I was a very enthusiastic child then and I loved to share my thoughts with people, and I had quite a lot. It was unfair I had to suffer for my personality “differences.” However, with all bad things I see a good lesson in it. This was one of the first experiences I had with people opposing my personality. In fact, the way I have grown more mature and wise was due to people’s opinions against my wild personality in 7^th grade. Ironically, trying to fit into a group’s personalities helped me set up my current one. The reason I matured was because of one mature girl’s criticism against me, and I took it very seriously. If I left it alone, I would probably be that happy child today. I am not necessarily happy all the time now, only because the way I changed myself after 7^th grade to be more serious, which is what I did. I wouldn’t be writing about this now in the mature tone I have if it weren’t for that incident. For everyone else, I don’t recommend changing yourself for someone’s approval. It helped me in the end, but it may not bode well for others. So please, if you are being bullied or discriminated by society or other people, just don’t listen. It will be tough, I know. I have been through the same thing and lived through it. If it distracts you from your mundane school activities, talk to your teacher about it. Talking to my teacher has been a HUGE help on getting me out of my slump this year. My English teacher is just as good as the guidance councilor. Teacher-student communication is essential for any change you want to bring about. Just remember, if you want to change because of other’s disapprovals, don’t listen. You are a wonderful and fantastic human being in your own way, why change it to be like others. There is nothing special being like another person. You would live your life without ever doing your own thing. Being unique is great, everyone is. That is what makes life on earth so diverse as well. In fact, most organisms on earth are similar genetically, but it is the way that genes express themselves that causes different traits for different species. The same goes for you. You and that bully you face, you are both the same, but you express yourselves differently. If you let yourself fall to that bully, you risk losing your most unique, redeeming qualities. It is as if your gene gets mutated as a result. Think about it, while you are having a hard time remember that the bully is probably going through a harder time. That is one reason I don’t believe in punishing bullies, it would just make their lives worse. Perhaps in this way, the bully and the bullied can finally make a truce. While it is a bit “over the top” to just flat out be friends like that, it is good to look at the positive side to a situation. So if you are being bullied, please find help, talk to them, and try to resolve your conflict with the bully in a way that helps him or her too. I will have more on discrimination another time, for now this was bullying.

Struggles (Written February 23, 2014)

Struggle is a strong word. It represents many terrible things in our life times, but we all go through it. This time I’m not going to be very general, but rather specific with my own experiences. I had numerous struggles in my lifetime mainly plaguing me when I was in 5^th grade. This grade was at the point where each student to all the different elementary schools will meet each other for the first time. Unfortunately for me, I was not well liked among this new group. They find me “annoying” and such and they bullied me for it. Now I’m coming out of 4^th grade, which then I considered the best grade of my life because of how much fun I was having and also the many friends I had. I literally had no enemies I was aware of in 4^th grade. Now take that and step into 5^th grade where I had nowhere near the amount of friends I had and everyone bullying you for being “different.” That’s how I felt. 5^th grade was awful for me. That is why I consider my intermediate school to be the worst school in the whole district. It is just corrupt in my opinion, especially since we had to share the bus with the middle schoolers. Let me tell you the middle schoolers in my district were all very immature for their age. I can tell you right now that we were much more mature than them, and we were all only about 10 years old. However it was the opposite whenever I reached middle school. That’s not important though. The point is, I struggled in 5^th grade. I recovered the next two years then that horrific 8^th grade year came. You all are very aware about how I struggled in 8^th grade, but not specifically. It all went wrong about September of 2012. This was actually the week of my first video, which was August 30. I was on vacation, which started on that Saturday the 1^st of September 2012. Of course I was missing school due to this vacation, so I had to complete make up work. I didn’t end up doing it, and out of fear, I hid it in the bin of my room. I still have it to this day. After that, I started to put my work aside for Minecraft and video making on YouTube. That was probably the biggest mistake of my life. However, I believe it is also the most beneficial. It’s controversial, but if it weren’t for me struggling that year I wouldn’t have learned as much as I did now. Other than that, I felt miserable whenever I didn’t do any work. Missed assignment after another came, and at that point I was being compared to my younger sister. That was just terrible on my part, considering I was the eldest and usually the smarted kid of my family. I was expected to get nothing but A’s or at times B’s. Now my grades dropped to low B’s, C’s, or D’s even. These were terrible grades for me, considering I was much more capable of doing better. However I never did. Now whenever I check my grades, I was sadly used to getting C’s or D’s. I’ll admit that I cried from self pity. I would just spend that time thinking about what I have done to decrease over the year. Looking at my last year’s term 4 report card and my report card now just made me cry. I didn’t believe I could climb up from this hole I was in. I was confused and constantly stressed. This was the darkest time of my life to date. For the first time in my school career, I failed to make honor roll all year and I have never gotten an award for educational excellence for the first time. In fact, I was only invited to the awards ceremony for a couple of items not involving educational excellence. Even last year when I did better I wasn’t invited to this ceremony. Summer came and with that came band. As you are aware, I was super busy with band and whenever my freshman year started in high school, I found balancing school word and band to be challenging. I struggled yet again starting freshman year. I had promised this year would be better, and my parents were yet to trust me on anything I do during the first quarter of freshman year. It was real sad whenever your own parents couldn’t trust you. I claimed to them the second quarter would be it, and that their punishments weren’t doing anything. I have explained to them previously on my opposition to punishment. They kept me off the computer so I would have no distractions from doing school work, but I kept insisting that I do it all on my own. The reason for that is that I wouldn’t learn if I was forced to do something right. The only way I could truly learn to do something is that if I do it on my own. I was right. Whenever that day in November came along in which I changed, it was all because of me. My parents left me alone briefly before that, and I knew that learning I would be the key to get my out of this slump. Let me tell you, that week of the 20^th of October is one that changed my life. That week I asked for help from my English teacher and that put me on the right path for the week then a couple weeks later. However the day before I finally put emotion onto writing for that “Pain Inside” writing I recorded on. That was the first time I have ever put emotion onto anything, since I was typically an unemotional person. That was also the first time I considered thinking of that girl I liked, but I wouldn’t discover that until that Saturday, the 27^th of October. Until then, I had much more talk time than usually to this girl and as a result grew closer to her. That all lead up to Saturday’s events, which you should know about already. That week paved the way to my next struggles the week after. However, that fateful date of November 5, 2013 is whenever I decided I had enough of this work I was doing. So from that day forth, I put down my best effort and as a result I had all A’s and B’s on the report card for the first time since 7^th grade. I’m still doing that now, but however I felt most guilty about my inconsistent work in English and how I have yet to talk to the teacher about it. The truth is, I’m failing that class with a 56 currently, but numbers don’t show who I am. Through this writing, I have shown my struggles over the past 4 years or so and clarified key points in which shows that I have learned myself and that I’m typically smart. A 56 in English doesn’t tell me that I’m dumb. Other than that, I feel as if I’m still struggling right now as I type this. It is not evident, but in my mind I just don’t feel the same as I was starting off January or February. I feel different. I don’t know how to explain it either, but I just feel as if I’m struggling again. I can’t be for sure, but if there is one thing I’m am sure about is how the events I pulled through over the course of months or years have taught me more than anybody could ever teach to me. My parents taught me nothing, my teachers taught me nothing. The only person that can teach you is you. Your own past experiences make who you are now, and they can help you learn more than anything else. So think about what you have done in your past right now, and decide whether or not you need to improve it. By that, think to yourself if it was good or not. If it isn’t, don’t throw it away. Build upon it to make it seem smaller, then that way you learn. And there is only one person who did that, and that was you. 

A Matter of Confessions (Written March 25, 2014)

            I doubt you were expecting something like this. However, I feel it is imperative that I bestow it upon you now. Over the past several months, much has happened that has changed my life forever. I have learned about various values in life and the importance of such values, and also been learning to express myself more than I did then. You don’t know that side of me. It has been months since I have talked to you for the very reason I was afraid to mess it up with you. But I feel it is time, after five months, that I confess some things. Therefore, you can finally know; something that I always wanted you to know.

            The whole dilemma began the day we went to Towson, precisely five months ago on the date October 26. You may remember that week. We talked with each other more often than usual this week. Coincidentally, this was after I expressed a piece I called “The Pain Inside” as an English bonus Sunday the 20^th of October. I told you about that I believe so. I was proud of myself when I did; it was the first time I had the guts to do something like that. All this frequent talk with you would lead to the climatic moment of Saturday morning on our way to Towson. Mr. Daniels requested we all sleep, so I did. However in that very slumber my life would change forever. In that very slumber, I dreamt a dream. A dream so powerful I can still remember it after all these months. Not too many people know what happened; it is one of the deepest secrets I have ever kept hidden. However, I feel as if I should tell you; so I will.

            The dream all started with us on our way to Towson as we all were at the time. It started off weird, so I won’t go too much into detail since it is irrelevant. However I will share the relevant part. In the last part of the dream I can remember, it took place in my main hallway below my chandelier. A group of about five band kids were around in a circle, including myself, you, and Adam right next to you. We were playing some type of game, which I believe it to be spin-the-bottle. It was your turn to spin it at the time. Obviously the thing with this game, you kiss the person the bottle points at, only it wasn’t me. It was Adam right next to you. All I could remember after that is the vision fading away as I wept while you and Adam were kissing. Since then, I knew what was happening. I was jealous of you and Adam at the time. I realized, I cared for you; I felt for you; and finally, I loved you.

            You may remember the next day at the aquarium. There was a reason why I went to the group I did and why I stayed with you the entire time. That was the reason; the dream. I still look back to that day with happiness. I never said it to you at the aquarium, but I had one of the best times of my life with you. You were a joy to hang out with at the aquarium, and I’m glad you stuck by me. That was the most social time I got with you that week, and also the last one until about the time I handed this to you. It is really sad, in my opinion. My fear of messing it up with you was keeping me away from the potential chance to become good friends with you at the time. With the aquarium, I did admire you put up through my mature talk. I don’t act as mature with you around as much as you used to, but if you see me at my house, I’m literally the “third parent” as I call myself.

            I’m going to go back to the past now back to band camp in the summer. This was before that climatic moment at Towson, but even then it was evident that I cared about you then. You knew me as a silent child then; I was too timid to speak to some people. That included you for some reason. Every time I was around you then, I would get nervous. Due to my fear of failure, as I say, I get even shyer around girls than when I’m with newer people. My greatest regret was not asking you this simple question, “Are you okay?” What I mean by that is that everyday I saw you being seemingly harassed by the other players in our section, but I never knew whether or not you were okay with it. I really wanted to ask what you thought about it. Even after all these months, I’m still not sure. It is the question that is always buzzing around in my head. I’ll admit I hated seeing you were being harassed, but I was too shy to speak up about it. So I apologize that if this was legitimate harassing and I didn’t stop it. I’m going to go back even further now. Remember the first time we met back in summer music camp in the summer of 2012? Even then I was too afraid to talk to you for some reason. I don’t know why. It is just the fact that ever since we met, I have always been too afraid to talk to you for some unknown reason, but now I know why. That is because I cared for you. I never was used to the nature of caring until about last month in February. It took me almost two years to figure it out as a result. That is the crazy thing about love; it is just there even if you don’t know it.

            You may have noticed how I mention my fear of failure. This was another goal of mine while writing this; I want you to become familiar with my more personal side you don’t know about. You mostly have seen my immature side, which is the side I don’t want to present to you. You may know because of this fear, I am obviously afraid to fail. But that goes deeper than you can imagine. Not only does this fear of mine prevent me from actively participating at school, it prevents me from interacting with some people. Like you, for example. The reason I didn’t talk to you in what seems like months is that I was afraid to mess it up with you. I don’t like it whenever people think lower of me than who I really am. That is why I’m letting you know; I don’t want to you to think low of me. That is my greatest fear right there. It limits my social life a bit, as I am too shy to make best friends with girls and also prevents me from meeting new people without ignoring them. I apologize I’m like that; it will take a long time for me to overcome this. But I feel by writing this, I am getting closer to you than I ever have before. And because of all I learned over the past month, I’ve become more comfortable in expressing myself to others even if I’m too nervous to talk to; including you. I originally had the intent of writing something back to you in November, but my shyness won the day. However recently I found the interest to write to you again, and even after that it took me a couple weeks before I would write this to you. And it is a coincidence that I do it on the precise date of five months after the dilemma started.

            I also keep saying how much I have changed, but you don’t know obviously how. The last time we had major social time together back at the aquarium, I was struggling in school then. I still felt the pain of the year ago in 8^th grade, whenever I didn’t do my work. This was because I was unfocused on completing my work and played games instead of doing my work. It wouldn’t be until after November 5^th in which I changed my work ethic. Up until my work, I wasn’t doing so well, so that is why that day at the aquarium was memorable. You have managed to bring me out of my world of darkness into the light of happiness. I thank you for that, but however the week ahead would be a tough, confusing one for me. It is for the reason of what happened at Towson. I was confused on what to do; I have never experience such a wide range of emotions ever in my lifetime. As I said, I abandoned the writing to you back in November, so since then in our time of separation, I have learned quite much. I did say at the beginning of February I began to change. The precise date of the night of February 3 in fact, after I finished watching the Super Bowl. We also got cancelled that day if you remember, so I had the time to write about what I learned. How it changed in that one night was after one video. The video was essentially one of my favorite YouTubers telling her life’s past. It was so tragic; she was bullied and harassed for being “different” and ended up in the hospital due to physical injuries as a result. Even after high school for her, she was constantly bullied by adults because of who she was. She nearly committed suicide from all this, but with the help of her doctors, she managed to live through her time in the darkness and soon managed to find the light. I really admired her strength against all those who were opposed to who she was. I’ll admit myself that video made me cry so much; I have never cried so much in my life. That is how I changed. That one video, half an hour in length, opened my eyes to the world’s depressed and how one person in a world of opposition suffered through it. I have never been through any tragedy in my life, so this was an eye opener for me. I learned how fortunate I was for the life I live in, and I felt terrible that people in our world actually do this to an innocent young girl. I highly recommend that video to you if you want to see what I see.

            That video inspired me to confess this to you. That video did teach me much about love in life, and I see the lack of it in our school. The truth is most people in high school look for looks rather than personality. That is the reason I do care for you, it is because of your innocent personality. You’re nice, respectful, and I believe you’re good at heart. I don’t believe the other boys around you see that in you, and that makes me upset by that fact. No one knows what I do; I have been blessed with this wisdom at a young age that most people seem to not understand in life. You can too, if you believe in the goodness of other people and express yourself. That is what I do want to hear from you, your actual thought process from the way the other boys treat you. As I said, I have no idea whether or not you like it or nor. I would love to hear your thoughts; you will always have a listening ear right here.

            The secret is now out. After exactly five months when this all started, I have gained the confidence and the will to hand this to you finally confessing all that I kept secret from you for five months. It hurts holding it in for that long. I always felt miserable that you didn’t know this about me whenever I’m with you. “One of these days,” I would think to myself. Today is that day. Today is that day in which the remaining unclear thoughts from my head finally be expressed after five months. It is a great feeling. I would only wish you would learn the way I do though. The truth is, if you can express you anyone how you feel about all that is happened to you, you can better understand yourself and others. Perhaps you’ll be able to open up to my thoughts. After all I just wanted you to know. As a closing statement: I believe you an important, worthwhile, and beautiful person. Let know one make you think otherwise despite what they may say. I believe if you learn to express yourself to all you talk to, you can see what is truly unique about you. As a result, you will be happier. Your mind would be open to the possibilities in life and live it to its full potential. So remember: you are important, you are smart, you are nice, you are respectful, and most importantly you’re beautiful. If no one can see that way, they obviously don’t know the real you; I know that is you, and I hope you know something about me too.

Visions (Written May 10, 2014)

 

Sometimes I stop and I think I see,

The visions of a boy and a girl on the computer.

I see them at times when walking downstairs,

Where my video games await.

However when I look closer,

I see more than just two people,

I see a bond,

Not physical but imaginary.

I watch them play my games,

The same ones I own,

And I see they both enjoy it,

He and she together.

I can see through there emotions.

I can see they share a deep love.

I can see they both enjoy being around each other.

I can see their similarities.

Then suddenly they disappear.

Nowhere have they seemed to go,

As they just poofed away,

Leaving only their love behind.

And as a enter my room I can’t help to think,

That those two might be more than things,

They may be merely visions,

Of what I perceive for the future.

Visions are powerful,

They can tell you the future,

They can show you your dreams coming true,

Right in front of your face.

My vision tells me much more.

It tells me there is still hope,

That I can find my love in this world.

For if my visions tell me I can, I’ll believe it.

Nighttime (Written May 25, 2014)

The road ahead lies dark, blanketed with the blackness of night. The stars above shone bright as they light the way. One step on the asphalt started the journey. As he began his walk down the barren street, he can’t help to think of what matters most to him. He looked up above where the stars shine, but there was one who catches his eye. A shiny blue star was visible from the distance, and as he looked upon this very star, he thought of her. He looked over towards his right, and he can envision of the sight of her. She was just walking down the dark road with him; both of them were connected. He can see the physical bond between them, and as he continued on down, the vision starts to fade. When they fade, there is an empty feel to the outside. The stars began to be blocked by the invisible clouds and all lights one by one began to turn off. All he can see is the turn towards the cul-de-sac. Up the hill he went; each step it took him further into the black fog of night. Each step he took continued flooding his mind with thoughts; the thoughts of her. On this black night, she was the only thing he can see. He can still see the star up above. He can still see her walking with him to his right. He still thinks of her. At the top, he saw the truth. He looked above yet again to see every single star that once shone at the start of the street. He has reached the end of the street; the darkness around him was void. All that lied was him and the stars above. As he began his way down, the stars started to disappear. He left the dark fog when he reached the base, but all he can see is the tears in his eyes. The night talks to him; the cloudy skies, the darkness, the calm breeze all talked to him. And that one blue star up above, still visible for him to see, guided him back. When he reached the base of the driveway, he looked back. The road behind him lied dark still, and again when he turned his head up, the stars were all back. The visions were still visible as he looked back; he saw her walking down with himself. The darkness buried them both when he walked back towards his house. At the front door he took one last look, only to see the road ahead, and the light at the end of the road.

Push and Pull (Written May 27, 2014)

            On one end, there is a push factor. On the other end, there is a pull factor. Both factors balance each other out in order to keep the medium of us. It’s like a web; anyone caught in between will be stuck. They will feel the tide of the forces as they work there way together. As you try to break free, the pulls are started to claim you. You try to resist to go to the push side, as you try to go back to what life was before you get caught in the web. This is how I feel. Everyday I am caught in this web, and I have to suffer through it day and night to get with the side I want. One side keeps trying to pull me away from the happy side; the side that fills my day; the side that makes me complete. The other side locks me up; keeps me in the nuthouse. As I try to make it to this happier side, there is something else pulling it away. I can see the look on his face and he looks serious. I can see the look on her face, happy as it ever was. Constantly I find myself between both sides. I try to break free, but the eternal suffering never ends. I want to be with her, but I can’t because I’m being pulled away from her. This constant tide of push and pull has claimed a victim; but if she looks happy, I feel it is worth it. It is more worth the nut house; it is worth being stuck in the web. If she is happy, I’ll be happy no matter what situation I am. As I see the other side disappearing, I see the other end starting to consume me. Now I need to consider, is it worth sacrificing her for the other’s happiness? In the end, it will always be no.

Truth (Written June 8, 2014)

Some say truth hurts and lies heal. Truth is like a broken building. You can repair it all you want with lies, but it will never be permanently fixed. Only if you tear down the building, the truth gets out and can be repaired for good. Yes it’s true; truth can hurt. Lies make it worse; like adding more and more to the problem before it can be fixed. We all go through these conflicts. Were humans, were not perfect. But why do we feel the need to cover the truth? The building needs repaired anyhow, but it won’t stay forever if you keep lying. Lies on top of more to create a mountain of false statements just to keep a person from knowing the truth. We were all lied to once. As children we were taught the basics of everyday learning, but we were never told of the horrors outside. They can’t understand, but growing up in a web of lies will start to make them believe those lies. The truth will be like a spider in that web of lies; they’ll kill it. That web of lies will cover the children as they grow. They’ll see nothing more than statements adults want them to think. They want them to think we live in a good world where there are no problems. It is not until later on that web is broken that we learn those horrors outside. Even then, will they believe? They were taught early on to believe in lies, and now whenever someone pushes that hill of lies with truth, will they believe? Maybe not. Lies cover the real world; they reside in every corner. It’s like a virus; they infect everyone and it continues to spread as the lies are passed on. Perhaps those lies and cloud one’s thinking. The real world out there is complex and difficult to understand. But with an open mind this web of lies all over us can maybe be uplifted, and just like that, we will be wearing a hat of truth. But after years of being taught lies, what will it take to kill a web of lies? Truth can hurt; it’s painful to get out there. If one can overcome these webs of lies and finally reveal the hard truth, they can sit back and see the world as it truly is. The world is far from perfect, but perhaps if we let more truth clear away the curtain of lies that cover our world, the world can start to unfold as it truly should.